Tam Cowan - Daily Record
May 16 2009

ACCORDING to the blurb on its website, The Grapevine is Bothwell's only fine dining restaurant.

Aye right! Are you sure this is the same Bothwell we're talking about? The Bothwell where the Neighbourhood Watch is a Rolex? The Bothwell where a local resident recently bought a new yacht because his old one got wet? The Bothwell where most of the houses are so big they have a Little Chef halfway up the drive? Yes, folks, cash-rich Bothwell is very posh (I had a onenight stand with one of the local lassies a few years back and I got lobsters).

Tiles are what they use to dry their hands and a creche is how they'd describe a collision between two cars...

So, needless to say, me and Keith were on our best behaviour when we went to check out The Grapevine for dinner.

To be honest, though, I don't know what we were worried about. The Grapevine is a lovely, relaxed place with friendly, smiley staff and even though the locals might be minted I thought the prices were pretty reasonable.

In fact, if we'd arrived a bit earlier (which was impossible as Keith takes longer than a woman to get ready) we could have taken full advantage of the cracking £13.95 pre-theatre menu.

And if you think that sounds good value in the middle of the credit crunch, couples who order from this menu between 4.30pm and 6.30pm Monday to Friday will also receive a free bottle of wine.

In other words, you'd basically be eating for nothing! (Staying with the prices, though, I'd urge the management to re-think the £1.95 charged for bread and butter on the a la carte menu - that's outrageous).The atmospheric, dimly-lit dining space at The Grapevine is very classy and I'm willing to bet it's a very popular venue for Bothwell's young lovers on a first date.

The grown-ups, meanwhile, will surely enjoy the classy crooners CD that was gently breezing through the speakers. They must have known I was coming.

The Grapevine's cuisine is probably best described as "modern Scottish" and that approach was perfectly summed up by my starter - ham hough risotto. Rich, creamy and speckled with a smattering of sweet petit pois, the perfectly cooked rice worked a treat with the robust shards of smoky, salty ham that reminded me of my granny's homemade soup.

Keith's hearty Italian sausage served on a bed of polenta was also very good (and surprisingly spicy) but take my advice and, if it's available, don't miss the ham hough risotto.

After yet another fag break (Bothwell might be lovely but, thanks to just one visit from Keith, the skies are now stained nicotine-yellow) my dining companion got stuck into a perfectly cooked sirloin steak while I enjoyed fillet of beef topped with haggis.

If that sounds good, the third component on my plate was even better - a little mound of braised oxtail that was moist, sticky, extremely tender and delicious.

Turning to the sundry items on the side, The Grapevine offers two types of homemade chips - the chunky type that had been expertly cooked (fluffy on the inside with a crunchy skin) and, even better, matchstickstyle fries that were perfect alongside our gut-busting steaks.

But listen, make sure you don't miss the excellent onion rings that were light,
crispy and strangely reminiscent of cheese 'n' onion Ringos.

Dessert? A slab of raspberry cheesecake for Keith which he claimed was really tasty (although how he could tell after numbing his tastebuds with 150 fags I'll never know) and something really memorable for yours truly... peanut butter ice-cream.

Talk about a taste sensation! Okay, three scoops was probably too much as it's very, very rich (I think we're talking around 5000 calories per mouthful) but I'll tell you what, folks, never before have I felt so sorry for you poor souls with a nut a l l e r g y.

You really don't know what you are missing.

Overall verdict? A cracking little restaurant with good food at agreeable prices. A quick word for all the Bothwell residents who still haven't tried it...

Why not send your butler round tonight for a carry- out?